| Remodeling your Perception of Fitness: Overcoming Body Dysmorphia in College

Tiffany Acosta | My journey to self-love and how you can find yours on campus

I grew up thinking that I didn’t fit into any of the ideal body standards that society imposes on women. I was raised in the competitive dance world, where my life consisted of staring at myself in a mirror and comparing what I saw to the girls around me. I was never skinny enough, developed too early but had no real curves, got stretch marks, and stopped growing before my teammates.

I gawked at every single part of myself in the mirror. Each look filled me with sadness and disgust, only compounded by comments I received from coaches and mothers. With each new round of self-criticism came my next plan of action to “remodel myself into a better me.”

I made the resolute decision to become obsessed with fitness. However, I went about it with such a warped perception of its purpose that my eating became disordered, my self-image worsened, and my body dysmorphia became heightened still. I thought that by severely restricting myself with calorie deficits — in retrospect, a euphemism for starving myself — that 700 calories a day was more than enough to sustain myself while still obtaining that supermodel body.

I thought that you were supposed to feel lightheaded after a good workout, and that cardio was the only way to go. And most toxic of all, I believed that fitness was defined by “working out to be skinny.” My life quickly became totally consumed by this regimen, and no one would have ever imagined it because I still found myself stuck where I always was — in the middle. The number on the scale refused to budge and sometimes would even creep up despite my numerous efforts to prevent this very occurrence. Since my struggles weren’t obvious to the outside world, I feared that if I spoke out my issues, they would be dismissed by others.

Upon arriving at the high-intensity university that is Penn, I took the opportunity to reinvent myself for the better. I decided that college would be the time to reform my unhealthy lifestyle and embrace who I was. Although it can feel that comparison culture on social media and at school is all-encompassing, I found refuge in the fact that I was just one of so many struggling women at this school after speaking to my classmates, some sorority sisters, and teammates. After taking the time to discuss these topics with these different women across campus, many attribute their lowered confidence to Greek life and to the lack of representation of the average mid-sized woman in fashion and on social media.

It comes as no surprise that the stigma and hierarchies associated with Greek life can take a significant mental toll on those involved. A study at William and Mary found that the sorority recruitment process had negative effects on social support and overall mood and increased anxiety. Women feel a sense of urgency to find a place where they fit in and are set up with the best social standing, and are willing to change themselves in order to fit in more with a particular crowd. Girls will change their hair color, go on severely restrictive diets, and loyally follow orders from older members to prove their allegiance to an organization.

On a broader scale, the frustrations revolving around the lack of total inclusion in the fashion industry are felt by women nationwide, and the call for reform is intensifying. Ashley Sanchez defines the parameters of mid-sized fashion by describing it as “fashion for women who straddle the line between ‘straight sizes’ and ‘extended sizes’ is what we now refer to as ‘mid-size’” There’s been a huge expansion on this new trend, particularly on social media sites like TikTok, where influencers promote authenticity by sampling clothing from brands that advertise size-inclusivity and reveal the reality of skewed sizing.

Seeing influencers like Remi Bader gain traction on social media for their promotion of authenticity and fair representation of all women in the fashion industry was actually one of the driving factors in my newest endeavor — running for Miss New Jersey USA. Pageantry was infamous for unattainable beauty standards, making the world of the crown seem so out of reach for so many women. I hadn’t truly seen a pageant queen that I thought represented the majority of women — a mid-sized girl. Since I hadn’t seen one, I decided to take on the role of representing young women who saw themselves in my shoes. Thus, my journey towards the crown began, and has only intensified my passion for supporting health reform and taking control of your body image. After entering the industry, I realize that diversity and inclusivity is a far more complex concept than society has deemed it. True inclusivity must be all-encompassing; every race, ethnicity, age, body type, frame, and personality should be incorporated in order for a company to have a well-rounded group of individuals to represent their brand.

Driven by the comfort of being just another face in the crowd at Penn, I have been able to transform my perception of health and exercise from a desperate effort to be “skinny” to a devout mission to be “strong” — both inside and out. It’s the little changes that have made all the difference, and even though college is infamous for being a non-ideal environment for being at the peak of health (i.e. the Freshman 15), it is never impossible to become the best version of yourself.

To all the girls who are too nervous to go to Pottruck — go. Start on the fourth floor and follow workout routines you’ve saved on Instagram. Bring your friends to the gym with you and tackle gym anxiety as a team! If you’re uncomfortable with using machines — start with dumbbells and be proud of yourself every time you go up in weight with your workouts. There is a refreshing gratification when achieving a personal record at the gym that I think is comparable (and arguably, much more rewarding) to the feeling of satisfaction that I used to have when I saw my weight on the scale drop. If you’re struggling to figure out how to eat healthy, high protein meals always help. Eat a balanced meal at the dining hall without beating yourself up when you eat the brownie once in a while. Take a walk from New College House West to the Love Sign with your friends and treat that as your cardio on a day you feel stressed.

And most importantly, put yourself first! It is okay to put yourself at the center of your universe. We spend so much time preoccupied with other people by staring at Instagram models, Pinterest posts, and even other girls at our university, constantly wishing we were someone we’re not. College is the height of our youth and the perfect time to mold yourself into the best version of yourself. Whether going to the gym is your style or not, personal growth can be achieved in so many different ways. Take a moment to reflect on what makes you happiest and fulfill that desire. Be unapologetic in your lifestyle and eventually, in your self-confidence. At the end of the day, you will be the only person vouching for what’s best for you!